Have you noticed how in just one year we have become acutely aware of the distance between us? These days, how close we come to others carries heavy implications associated with safety, respect, and in some places across the world, non-compliance with social distancing mandates are a strong and clear political statement. Interesting times we are living.
Personal Space, What Is It?
Proxemics, the term that describes the way in which personal space is used to communicate and interact with others was coined by Edward T. Hall in 1966, a cultural anthropologist who saw the use of personal space as a communicator of a culture’s values. Hall categorized interpersonal distances between people into four distinct zones: intimate, personal, social and public space.
Despite the fancy names, we are all familiar with the concept of personal space, a naturally occurring reaction to “others,” to threat or to love. Just think of how you respond when you see someone you know and love coming towards you as opposed to a stranger coming your way. These naturally occurring responses to increase or diminish our personal space have been found to be informed by the amygdala, our internal alarm system that sets off the codes for safety, protection or trust, and that interestingly also inform emotional responses and memory.
These survival related responses to how we use space while interacting with others, however, are also deeply shaped and maintained by culture, class, racial and gender values and they span the gamut in prescribing what is an appropriate distance to engage with others. Recent findings in a large study looking at cultural differences as it applies to personal space (over 9,000 people from 42 countries) found that the personal space between strangers was closest in Argentina, Peru and Bulgaria, while people from Romania, Hungary and Saudi Arabia want the most space when talking to strangers. Americans and Continental Europeans were somewhere in the middle.
COVID-19 Enforced Personal Space
By now, I’m sure you’ve thought about how COVID-19, social distancing and personal space are deeply interrelated. Across the world, despite our particular cultural preferences for private, personal, social or public space, and regardless of how close we once stood together, the rules have changed.
When you now look at old pictures of yourself pre-pandemic, how do you feel? What do you think when you see pictures of yourself with your arms around others, sitting right next to each other—at concerts, dinners, parties—seemingly clueless about the dangers that physical closeness can pose? Looking back to those mask-free, socially-close unencumbered times, I can’t help but feel how naive we all were, and more importantly how it feels like we’ve “grown up.” It’s as if we’ve suddenly awakened to discover that physical proximity carries with it an invisible but very real danger. It’s an aspect of life that had previously been so easy to overlook, but can no longer be ignored. Despite the harsh and in some ways lonely realities we now live, I feel that this “awakening” has many benefits. Not only does it underscore the fact that we are all deeply connected to each other, but also that we’re also connected to our environment and to the future we wish to create.
COVID-19 enforced guidelines for personal space are, of course, necessary and take priority over all other standards of practice. But they do impact our internal, pre-programmed codes? Codes, both inherent and culturally learned that guide natural reactions to closeness and feelings of safety. I know that you’ve seen groups of teenagers sitting close to one another—often without masks—touching as if the last year’s events had not even happened. I have also noticed how much more aware and circumspect we are of seeing people greet each other with hugs, or kisses. In some ways we’ve learned to be weary of closeness. COVID-19 has, at least for the time being, reconfigured the way we connect, interact, work, socialize. But can it override hundreds of years of cultural habits? I don’t believe it can. I’m hoping that when we are able to return to the world of socially close encounters, we do so with more wisdom and clarity.
Choices and Risks during COVID-19
Given the genetic and cultural predispositions for physical closeness, it’s no wonder we sometimes risk connecting with others in more intimate ways, despite our knowledge of the dangers that exposure to COVID-19 presents. If you are like me, you have found yourself weighing out the risks vs. the benefits of social connection and exposure to others. How many will be there? How big is the space? How long should I stay? Can it be done online? How long since I’ve seen them or done this? How much do I need this and can something else fulfill this need? These are questions I have very often asked myself. Have you?
In a way we’re measuring the value of our encounters and the focus of our attention, our time, vs. the effort it takes, the time and energy and most importantly, the risks it might pose. Have we always done this? Have COVID-19 guidelines just highlighted this internal value system? It’s possible, and, if so, I believe it to be a good thing. Bringing attention to the motives, the driving force behind our decisions, social or not, are necessary, I feel, for a clearer understanding of who we are, what we want and what’s important to us.
It’s during times like these, that we may, at some point, act in ways that seem inconsistent or contradictory. Despite all we know regarding current conditions, we sometimes take risks. You may know what I’m talking about. Perhaps you’ve chosen to meet indoors with someone you truly enjoy spending time with and haven’t seen in a long while, or traveled for a special occasion, or housed family from out of town. What’s interesting is how protective we are of these “risky” choices, keeping them to ourselves, fearing that we may be judged harshly by others and knowing that we may negatively judge ourselves afterwards. It wasn’t long ago that we would proudly post and document our recent outings, travels and gatherings, on social media, whereas now choose to keep these hidden from the social eye. Times have changed dramatically.
How Compassion Can Help
The challenges created by the distances between us, the choices we make and the risks we sometimes take, can create pressure and tension making it difficult to view ourselves in favorable ways. Although we are familiar with our inner critic, it has never been more important to create space and distance from this debilitating force within us. Interestingly, this critic’s primary purpose although protective in nature, (making you feel bad about yourself so you don’t do something that might hurt/disappoint, etc.), is restrictive, limits your perspective and can be crippling.
This is where self compassion comes in. You may be wondering what self compassion even means. Many have a very difficult time imagining what it looks and feels like, never mind how to put it into practice. Abstract, overused and often sold as part of a spa package, the idea of self compassion is grossly misunderstood. But, in my opinion there has never been a more important time to get curious, explore and implement self compassion in our lives. Many of us have been through the hardest year of our lives. Many have faced it all alone, lost dear ones, or found themselves distanced and isolated from social or financial supports. These realities can shake us to our foundations and cause us to make uncharacteristically risky decisions and amplify our negative self perceptions.
The way I see it, support from others, and most importantly from ourselves, has never been more important and necessary. Implementing self compassion can provide that support, and it can be as simple as recognizing the ways you judge yourself. Here are some examples to implement:
- Imagine creating space between you and judgmental, negative thoughts. View them from a distance, as if seeing them on a board. Look at your thoughts, recognizing the separateness between you and them.
- Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can—even when you make choices that increase your perceived risk.
- Refuse to buy into the self blame and judgment that regret for past actions can create.
- Create a mental image of yourself lovingly hugging yourself, your child self, your present self. Make that image clear and sharp, and go back to it as often as needed.
There are countless ways to be compassionate to yourself, your life, the choices that brought you to this moment and the person that you are right now, just as you are. I invite you to create a daily practice of being compassionate with yourself and your choices, exactly as they are. One minute per day can undo hours of damage due to negative self judgment. It might help to remember that the more self compassionate we are, the easier it is to feel compassion for others, and with practice this may become the standard that guides our choices and the risks we take.
Isa Soler.
Isa Soler is a US trained and licensed psychotherapist specializing in trauma related issues currently practicing in Barcelona. She enjoys living and working in this part of Catalunya as well as discovering, experiencing and documenting the changing nature of our world. You can connect with Isa on LinkedIn and read her blog at: expattherapybarcelona.com.